Cecilia's Top Five Values

1) Family

Family is what I value most. I'm grateful for the love and support Nathan and Eliza provide. I would like to openly express my appreciation for my family more often.

2) Patience

Nathan is one of the most patient people I know. I would like to work on developing this trait, as I value it so highly. If I had more patience, I know I would be much happier at work and at home.

3) Communication

I know all relationships improve with good communication skills, whether it be a marital relationship, friendship, or even work relationship (as in your relationship with your employers/boss). I would like to be more verbal and express my opinions more often. Although this seems overwhelming sometimes, I know only good can come from honest communication.

4) Understanding / Listening

I always appreciate it when Nathan and/or my friend listen to my problems and do their best to understand my situation and where I am coming from. I would like to become the person who listens and empathizes, rather than the person who always has something to talk about. I know this would only deepen my respect and love for those who have supported and listened to me.

5) Love

I definitely value love. Sadly enough, I think of myself as less loving these days. Love is a strong, positive emotion of affection. And while I still need this in my life, I have been less giving of love. I would like to work on becoming a more positive person again in order to be capable of giving and receiving love to the fullest capacity.

Advice On Taking Advice

Anonymous asks...

I've had this problem lately where my friends and family have been giving me advice on how to improve my social life, business plans, and so forth, but instead of being helpful it's just made me feel defensive and stubborn.  How can I make it so that I can benefit from well meaning attempts at help instead of being insulted?

Anytime anyone talks to us, they are submitting an application to affect us in some way. A salesman is submitting an application to persuade us. A friend submits an application to make us happy. A complete jerk submits an application to destroy our self-esteem. A preacher submits an application to uplift us. And a teacher submits an application to educate us.

Once an application is submitted we put it through a review process and then decide what power to give the applicant. Too many times we make mistakes during this review. We end up only giving the preacher the power to bore us, the friend the power to offend us, and the jerk the exact power he was applying for.

Since you aren't asking me how to shut your friends up or what supplies you need to become a hermit, I'll assume that you believe your friends want to help you. So, during the review process you are receiving their application to help make your life better, but instead of giving them that power, you give them the powers to offend, criticize, boss around, and stick their noses where they just plain don't belong.

I'm no psychologist, so I can't say why we do this. I just know that we do. It must be related to a suppressed inner child or something else I know nothing about. Anyway, it happens when we put the review process on autopilot and let our emotions or subconscious call the shots.

So, the secret is to allow your conscious mind to take over again. When your friends or family give you some unsolicited advice, ask yourself what power they are applying for. Why are they saying what they're saying? Then you can decide what power to give them. If they want to help, advise, inspire, uplift, or entertain you, by golly give them what they want! If they want to control, depress, weaken, or harm you, DON'T give them those powers, but instead give them the power to make you laugh. Laugh it off! They can't affect you if you don't allow them to.

Sincerity

Anonymous asks...
Can I learn to be more sincere? Sometimes I feel fake, like I'm just going through the motions of interacting with people.

There is something really great about a truly sincere person. They inspire feelings of trust and confidence. They make us feel wonderful because they listen to what we say, and actually want to know what our major was in school, how many siblings we have, what we like to do for fun, and what book we would choose if we could only have one on a deserted island. A sincere person has the greatest power to make us feel good about ourselves, because when they say our hair looks nice, we know they mean it. Sincerity is so refreshing in this world of sarcasm, disinterest, and manipulation.

On the other hand, an insincere person who pats you on the back and acts like your new best friend while looking through you with a blank smile, nodding and agreeing with everything you say while not seeming to understand a word of it and probably thinking about how nice he's being for taking time out of his busy important day to talk to some loser like you and counting down the seconds until he can count this conversation as complete and move on to the next poor soul in need of his presence, can make you feel a little unimportant and maybe even a little angry. (Can you tell I've had experience with a few?)

What's it like in the mind of a truly sincere individual? I imagine it would be a nice place to be. Always present and focused on what's happening. Enjoying casual encounters as well as deeper connections. Never pretending, lying, or showing off. Having a powerful positive influence on others. Aware of others' feelings and well versed in the arts of hospitality and tact.  

So, is the gift of sincerity reserved for those select few who were born with the ability to put feeling and meaning behind everything they say? Not at all. It's a talent, so it can be developed like any other talent.

Be Aware
Pay attention to what you're saying. Is there any meaning behind it? Are you just saying what you think people want to hear? Are you just speaking to fill an awkward pause? Are you just a broken record saying what you always say?

Pay attention to how the other person feels. Do they seem uncomfortable? How can you put them at ease? What is it you feel they want to tell you? Everyone has something they're proud of. There's something they would love to talk about. The challenge is finding it out.

Fake It Till You Make It?
I don't know if faking sincerity is a good idea. That may even be the definition of insincerity. Instead of faking sincerity, practice sincerity. Have conversations with people, but not with the intent to seem sincere. That can NOT be your objective. You'll fail every time. Your goal is to actually BE sincere. Remember. Focus on meaning and feeling. Make sure your words are backed up by truth. Don't let your mind wander.

In summary, Anonymous, you asked a simple question that has a simple answer. Yes, you can learn to be more sincere. I hope you understand; however, that the impact of that simple answer is enormous. If you take steps now to develop sincerity it can change you entire outlook on life and how you interact with it. It will result in self-esteem, confidence, comfort, peace, popularity, and success. Go for it. It will be worth it.

The Awkward Roommate Meeting

Jerry from New York asks...

I've just moved into a new apartment with a friend. Is there anything I can do now to prevent future resentment building up about cleaning, public-space sharing, etc, without having an Awkward Roommate Meeting?  

Is it wrong that I assume this question is from Jerry Seinfeld himself?

Well, Jerry, potential problems in your situation will be due to expectations that are not being met. This means some type of communication will have to take place so that each of you knows what is expected of you. Don’t worry though. If we can identify exactly what would make such a conversation awkward, we can then remove the awkwardness with surgical precision.

Begin by looking over your rental agreement, if you have one, and make sure you are following everything outlined in it. If you are meeting the basics like paying rent on time and no loud music after 1 am you’ll be in a good position to discuss things like taking out the trash and cleaning common areas (kitchen, living room, bathroom, garage, ballroom, elevator, gymnasium, etc…)

To tackle your question, let’s go over the Awkwardness Potential (AwkPot) and possible solutions.

AwkPot: Strong feelings of contempt already exist before beginning the conversation. 

Solution: Talk about your expectations as ASAP as possible. If you’ve already been tracking mud through the house for three months, (because you were raised in a home with no carpet and your mom just sprayed down the floors twice a week) when you finally talk about it, your roommate just might explode. The road to conversational Hades will be paved with your good intentions.

AwkPot: Feeling like you’re either telling a friend what to do, or being told what to do.

Solution: At least in the beginning, only offer suggestions of what YOU might do to help make living together easier. Have some ideas before you start talking about it. Don’t ask, “What can I do?” That just makes it difficult for your roommate. Instead, let him know, that if he thinks of anything, he can talk to you about it. Hopefully your roommate will follow your lead and think of things he can do also. Once an environment of self-improvement is established, it will be less awkward to suggest ways each other could improve.

AwkPot: Having a scheduled “roommate meeting” is just inherently and unavoidably awkward.

Solution: Don’t have an official meeting. Just casually say something like, “Hey dude, being friends and roommates is pretty cool, so I’ve thought of some stuff I can do to make it stay cool.” Or you can say something like, “My dear comrade, I fear that due to our varying upbringings, we may have incongruent expectations that, if left uncorrected, could harm this lovely arrangement we presently enjoy. Let us join together in a friendly, yet frank, collaboration to preemptively resolve any and all future friction that could be reasonably foreseen.”

Even if there is a little bit of awkwardness, remember that in the hierarchy of emotions, a little bit of awkwardness is better than a lot of resentment.