Advice On Taking Advice

Anonymous asks...

I've had this problem lately where my friends and family have been giving me advice on how to improve my social life, business plans, and so forth, but instead of being helpful it's just made me feel defensive and stubborn.  How can I make it so that I can benefit from well meaning attempts at help instead of being insulted?

Anytime anyone talks to us, they are submitting an application to affect us in some way. A salesman is submitting an application to persuade us. A friend submits an application to make us happy. A complete jerk submits an application to destroy our self-esteem. A preacher submits an application to uplift us. And a teacher submits an application to educate us.

Once an application is submitted we put it through a review process and then decide what power to give the applicant. Too many times we make mistakes during this review. We end up only giving the preacher the power to bore us, the friend the power to offend us, and the jerk the exact power he was applying for.

Since you aren't asking me how to shut your friends up or what supplies you need to become a hermit, I'll assume that you believe your friends want to help you. So, during the review process you are receiving their application to help make your life better, but instead of giving them that power, you give them the powers to offend, criticize, boss around, and stick their noses where they just plain don't belong.

I'm no psychologist, so I can't say why we do this. I just know that we do. It must be related to a suppressed inner child or something else I know nothing about. Anyway, it happens when we put the review process on autopilot and let our emotions or subconscious call the shots.

So, the secret is to allow your conscious mind to take over again. When your friends or family give you some unsolicited advice, ask yourself what power they are applying for. Why are they saying what they're saying? Then you can decide what power to give them. If they want to help, advise, inspire, uplift, or entertain you, by golly give them what they want! If they want to control, depress, weaken, or harm you, DON'T give them those powers, but instead give them the power to make you laugh. Laugh it off! They can't affect you if you don't allow them to.

Sure Cure for Jealousy

Anonymous asks... 

Do you have any wise words to say to help me not be jealous of all my friends, who all seem to have all the things I want but am apparently unable to attain? I want to be happy for my friends, but it’s hard to get over myself sometimes.

Well, I could tell you that everyone has their own form of trials they are going through, even if you can’t see them, so don’t be so quick to assume your friends are living perfect lives. I could also tell you that compared to some people your life isn’t that bad at all and you should count your blessings. I could even say, “At least you’re not Charlie Sheen”

I won’t tell you these things, or at least not anymore than I already have, because…

   1. You’ve already heard them.
   2. They didn't help or make you feel any better.

I don’t want to leave you without any wise words, so I’ll dig a little deeper to address your question. The real issue here may be that you feel you are not in control of your own destiny. You may believe on some level that life just happens to you and you’re along for the ride. With this belief, seeing your friends have what you want would make life seem unfair. Why did life give them a great job, and not me? On the other hand, if you believe you are in control of every aspect of your life and have confidence in your abilities, when your friend lands a great job you’ll think, “Good for him! He deserves it. He earned it.”

Take ownership of your life. If your life isn’t exactly what you want it to be, make it what you want it to be. It doesn’t matter what your friends, coworkers, or neighbors do. They have no power over your life. Try it out. It may be scary at first, but once you develop confidence in yourself, it will be liberating.

This advice isn't just for you by any means. Everyone feels the same way at times, so I want to conclude with some more wise words for you and all of us who would benefit from them.

Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. - William Jennings Bryan


There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul. - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Control your own destiny or someone else will. - Jack Welch

We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny. But what we put into it is ours. -- Dag Hammarskjold

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. -- William Shakespeare