Sincerity

Anonymous asks...
Can I learn to be more sincere? Sometimes I feel fake, like I'm just going through the motions of interacting with people.

There is something really great about a truly sincere person. They inspire feelings of trust and confidence. They make us feel wonderful because they listen to what we say, and actually want to know what our major was in school, how many siblings we have, what we like to do for fun, and what book we would choose if we could only have one on a deserted island. A sincere person has the greatest power to make us feel good about ourselves, because when they say our hair looks nice, we know they mean it. Sincerity is so refreshing in this world of sarcasm, disinterest, and manipulation.

On the other hand, an insincere person who pats you on the back and acts like your new best friend while looking through you with a blank smile, nodding and agreeing with everything you say while not seeming to understand a word of it and probably thinking about how nice he's being for taking time out of his busy important day to talk to some loser like you and counting down the seconds until he can count this conversation as complete and move on to the next poor soul in need of his presence, can make you feel a little unimportant and maybe even a little angry. (Can you tell I've had experience with a few?)

What's it like in the mind of a truly sincere individual? I imagine it would be a nice place to be. Always present and focused on what's happening. Enjoying casual encounters as well as deeper connections. Never pretending, lying, or showing off. Having a powerful positive influence on others. Aware of others' feelings and well versed in the arts of hospitality and tact.  

So, is the gift of sincerity reserved for those select few who were born with the ability to put feeling and meaning behind everything they say? Not at all. It's a talent, so it can be developed like any other talent.

Be Aware
Pay attention to what you're saying. Is there any meaning behind it? Are you just saying what you think people want to hear? Are you just speaking to fill an awkward pause? Are you just a broken record saying what you always say?

Pay attention to how the other person feels. Do they seem uncomfortable? How can you put them at ease? What is it you feel they want to tell you? Everyone has something they're proud of. There's something they would love to talk about. The challenge is finding it out.

Fake It Till You Make It?
I don't know if faking sincerity is a good idea. That may even be the definition of insincerity. Instead of faking sincerity, practice sincerity. Have conversations with people, but not with the intent to seem sincere. That can NOT be your objective. You'll fail every time. Your goal is to actually BE sincere. Remember. Focus on meaning and feeling. Make sure your words are backed up by truth. Don't let your mind wander.

In summary, Anonymous, you asked a simple question that has a simple answer. Yes, you can learn to be more sincere. I hope you understand; however, that the impact of that simple answer is enormous. If you take steps now to develop sincerity it can change you entire outlook on life and how you interact with it. It will result in self-esteem, confidence, comfort, peace, popularity, and success. Go for it. It will be worth it.

Too Shy for Words

Amy from Utah asks,

“How can I be more outgoing in social situations? At parties, church, or just meeting new people anywhere, I’m really shy and don’t talk much.  I’m sure people think I’m stuck up or something, but I just don’t know what to say, or I’m too nervous to say it.“

First of all, don’t worry. It’s completely normal to be a little shy when meeting new people. The good news is that with some dedication and focus, you can learn to be a master mingler in no time.  Below are some tips to consider when you're ready to leave your comfort zone and explore the exciting world of social interaction. 

Be Other-Conscious; not Self-Conscious 
It turns out “other-conscious” isn’t a word. Maybe “empathetic” is better. Although it may feel like each new conversation is a personal interview set up to decide if you’re “cool” or “hip” or “legit” or whatever the kids are saying these days, the other person has not been informed of this. They don't have a score card and most likely assume YOU are the one who will be judging THEM. You’ll be much more relaxed and your company will be more enjoyable if you focus all your attention on the person you’re speaking with. Assume that they have every insecurity you have, and do what you can to make them feel comfortable. If you want to impress someone, don’t try to convince them that YOU are witty, intelligent, and "with it". Convince them that THEY are witty, intelligent, and "with it".

Stay positive.
I’ll never forget the time I was meeting my new boss and was a little bit too opinionated about the topic of smoking, only to see her taking a smoke break an hour later. Talk about what you DO like and not what you DON’T like. Most people who don’t like Seinfeld won’t be offended if you do, but I wouldn’t blame anyone for being offended if they do like Seinfeld and you go on a 30 minute rant about how much you hate it. Never assume everyone feels the same way you do about a topic. 

Don’t Give Up.
Not every conversation will go smoothly. Don’t let this discourage you, and don’t assume that every awkward moment is your doing. Everyone has just as much a right to be awkward as you do. If your attempt to spark a conversation goes poorly, try again. Keep mingling. Keep going to parties. Keep stretching your comfort zone to include more enriching experiences. 

Some Notes
One thing you can do right now, is stop referring to yourself as shy. If you want to change, you can’t label yourself as the thing you don’t want to be. It only gives you excuses like, “I’ll just sit over here in this corner, and that’s okay, because I’m shy” or “I’m shy, so I’ll just stick to my close friends and not meet anyone new”

Being shy isn't the same as being an introvert. Bernardo J. Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute, says, "If you see two people standing by a wall at a party, the introvert is there because he wants to be. The shy person is there because he feels like he has to be."

If your shyness interferes with daily life, and causes extreme fear, you may have Social Anxiety Disorder. Check out this information from the Mayo Clinic, and talk to a doctor or counselor.