Sincerity

Anonymous asks...
Can I learn to be more sincere? Sometimes I feel fake, like I'm just going through the motions of interacting with people.

There is something really great about a truly sincere person. They inspire feelings of trust and confidence. They make us feel wonderful because they listen to what we say, and actually want to know what our major was in school, how many siblings we have, what we like to do for fun, and what book we would choose if we could only have one on a deserted island. A sincere person has the greatest power to make us feel good about ourselves, because when they say our hair looks nice, we know they mean it. Sincerity is so refreshing in this world of sarcasm, disinterest, and manipulation.

On the other hand, an insincere person who pats you on the back and acts like your new best friend while looking through you with a blank smile, nodding and agreeing with everything you say while not seeming to understand a word of it and probably thinking about how nice he's being for taking time out of his busy important day to talk to some loser like you and counting down the seconds until he can count this conversation as complete and move on to the next poor soul in need of his presence, can make you feel a little unimportant and maybe even a little angry. (Can you tell I've had experience with a few?)

What's it like in the mind of a truly sincere individual? I imagine it would be a nice place to be. Always present and focused on what's happening. Enjoying casual encounters as well as deeper connections. Never pretending, lying, or showing off. Having a powerful positive influence on others. Aware of others' feelings and well versed in the arts of hospitality and tact.  

So, is the gift of sincerity reserved for those select few who were born with the ability to put feeling and meaning behind everything they say? Not at all. It's a talent, so it can be developed like any other talent.

Be Aware
Pay attention to what you're saying. Is there any meaning behind it? Are you just saying what you think people want to hear? Are you just speaking to fill an awkward pause? Are you just a broken record saying what you always say?

Pay attention to how the other person feels. Do they seem uncomfortable? How can you put them at ease? What is it you feel they want to tell you? Everyone has something they're proud of. There's something they would love to talk about. The challenge is finding it out.

Fake It Till You Make It?
I don't know if faking sincerity is a good idea. That may even be the definition of insincerity. Instead of faking sincerity, practice sincerity. Have conversations with people, but not with the intent to seem sincere. That can NOT be your objective. You'll fail every time. Your goal is to actually BE sincere. Remember. Focus on meaning and feeling. Make sure your words are backed up by truth. Don't let your mind wander.

In summary, Anonymous, you asked a simple question that has a simple answer. Yes, you can learn to be more sincere. I hope you understand; however, that the impact of that simple answer is enormous. If you take steps now to develop sincerity it can change you entire outlook on life and how you interact with it. It will result in self-esteem, confidence, comfort, peace, popularity, and success. Go for it. It will be worth it.

Guest Blogger: Nathan Robbins

This post is by Nathan Robbins. I could stay up all night talking with him about his ideas. His use of personality typing to understand other people goes a long way toward improving relationships.

George Carlin once said, "Have you ever noticed that anyone who drives faster than you is a maniac, and anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot?" It's true, we tend to view any person who thinks or acts in a way other than we would as mean, air-headed, stubborn or just plain dumb. Interacting with people through this lens can lead to a great deal of frustration, heartache, and hurt feelings.

We naturally have the tendency to seek out people who think like we do, like the same things, and even say the same catch phrases. But no one does things exactly the same as us. That's a great thing, though, because I can't think of a more boring relationship! We are bound to run into conflicts, differences of opinion, and friends who think that your favorite sweater makes you look twenty years older, and don't seem to have any problem with telling you.

Everyone has a unique personality, a unique way of viewing the world. Your ability to understand it and take it into account when dealing with them can determine the strength of your relationship. I've listed below a variety of different types of personalities (based loosely off of Jungian Typology and Myers-Briggs Type Indicators). Try to apply these types to yourself and the people closest to you. How close to your personality are they? After you have a pretty good idea of who is what, the most important part is to realize that these differences are a GOOD thing. We need them. Desperately.

Attention Grabber

These people are impressive. They either have the funniest anecdotes, the greatest talents, or the most unique viewpoints that they are happy to share with you. You can either resent them for stealing the limelight whenever they get the chance, or you can just enjoy their creative energy and knack for finding so much joy in simply being alive.

Space Cadet

Often found lost in a book, a video game, or a new theory, they are known for being anywhere but in the present. They have a better sense of what they don't want than what they want, so often lack the motivation to pursue fixed goals. To some they can come off as lazy or procrastinators; others learn to run off with them in their fantasies and views of the way the world could be.

Go-Getter

These are the people who know what they want, and they know what they need to do to get it. They quickly take in loads of information and can make accurate decisions based off of it. It can be very frustrating to deal with them if you want to go a different direction than they do, but when you're on the same side, you can accomplish things you never thought possible.

All in Focus

This type has championed a cause and are most often found trying to tackle it alone, whether it be intellectual pursuits, or trying to solve all the problems of the world. They are even-tempered steady, and hard-working. Some people can easily become frustrated with their lack of spontaneity, but a wonderful balance can be struck by sticking to the old notion of work hard first so you can play hard later.

All of the above types are matched with one of the types below. Some pretty fascinating combinations result:

Eutopian

Eutopians want to make the world a better place. They try to see the best in everyone and everything, and can become extremely disappointed when they don't find it. It can be tiring to try to keep up with their optimism and wade through their low periods, but if you can stand the roller coaster, you can experience life in a way that few ever get to.

Intellect

Seekers of truth, the intellects try to find the meaning behind even the most trivial occurrences. They rarely take things at face value, and are often trying to "read between the lines" of everything you say. I admit, it can be easy to tune out of their philosophical rants, or be baffled by their social oddities, but they often hold the greatest insights and clearly interpret even the most subtle idiosyncrasies.

Realist

This type is based in reality. They spend their time in experiencing the world through things, whether they be the newest gadgets, classic cars, or sports. They can be adventurous or practical, but are most often logical. Their tendency to not take into account others' emotions can make them seem callous or rude, but they are the type to get to know when you want to experience what the world has to offer.

The Heart

These people want to experience human emotion. Some do it by taking care of you, some do it by creating art. They are primarily concerned with the human condition and spend their time seeking positivity. It is easy to become frustrated with their at times irrational and emotional behavior, but no one else can make you feel more cared for and loved.

Granted, everyone is a mixture of all of the types, but people tend to exhibit two of them predominately. As I said earlier, the better you understand where someone is coming from, the more you can understand their behavior and strengthen your relationship with them. Now, the next time you recount your awful day through tears, and your significant other says "you want to go out to eat?" you might just smile and realize that that is the way that THEY would want to take care of that problem. And you can explain to them that you don't do things exactly the same way they do. . .

The Awkward Roommate Meeting

Jerry from New York asks...

I've just moved into a new apartment with a friend. Is there anything I can do now to prevent future resentment building up about cleaning, public-space sharing, etc, without having an Awkward Roommate Meeting?  

Is it wrong that I assume this question is from Jerry Seinfeld himself?

Well, Jerry, potential problems in your situation will be due to expectations that are not being met. This means some type of communication will have to take place so that each of you knows what is expected of you. Don’t worry though. If we can identify exactly what would make such a conversation awkward, we can then remove the awkwardness with surgical precision.

Begin by looking over your rental agreement, if you have one, and make sure you are following everything outlined in it. If you are meeting the basics like paying rent on time and no loud music after 1 am you’ll be in a good position to discuss things like taking out the trash and cleaning common areas (kitchen, living room, bathroom, garage, ballroom, elevator, gymnasium, etc…)

To tackle your question, let’s go over the Awkwardness Potential (AwkPot) and possible solutions.

AwkPot: Strong feelings of contempt already exist before beginning the conversation. 

Solution: Talk about your expectations as ASAP as possible. If you’ve already been tracking mud through the house for three months, (because you were raised in a home with no carpet and your mom just sprayed down the floors twice a week) when you finally talk about it, your roommate just might explode. The road to conversational Hades will be paved with your good intentions.

AwkPot: Feeling like you’re either telling a friend what to do, or being told what to do.

Solution: At least in the beginning, only offer suggestions of what YOU might do to help make living together easier. Have some ideas before you start talking about it. Don’t ask, “What can I do?” That just makes it difficult for your roommate. Instead, let him know, that if he thinks of anything, he can talk to you about it. Hopefully your roommate will follow your lead and think of things he can do also. Once an environment of self-improvement is established, it will be less awkward to suggest ways each other could improve.

AwkPot: Having a scheduled “roommate meeting” is just inherently and unavoidably awkward.

Solution: Don’t have an official meeting. Just casually say something like, “Hey dude, being friends and roommates is pretty cool, so I’ve thought of some stuff I can do to make it stay cool.” Or you can say something like, “My dear comrade, I fear that due to our varying upbringings, we may have incongruent expectations that, if left uncorrected, could harm this lovely arrangement we presently enjoy. Let us join together in a friendly, yet frank, collaboration to preemptively resolve any and all future friction that could be reasonably foreseen.”

Even if there is a little bit of awkwardness, remember that in the hierarchy of emotions, a little bit of awkwardness is better than a lot of resentment.

Cardio

An exercise that will work out your heart without making you out of breath.

1. Write down the name of someone you love. If you’re anything like me, you probably wrote “Liam Neeson”, and THAT’S GREAT, but for this exercise you need the name of someone closer to you. Maybe a friend or family member. If Liam Neeson is a friend or family member, I envy you greatly, and can you get me his autograph?

2. Write down something out of the ordinary that you can do to show that person what they mean to you. When I say “out of the ordinary” I mean something you don’t already do all the time. If you don’t usually hug the person, a hug can be enough. You don’t necessarily have to cook them the world’s largest enchilada, or do anything involving stilts.

3. Do it. Really do it. Don’t just think about it. Get it done.

4. Write your experience. How did you feel? How do you suspect they felt? Is it worth doing again?

I hope that you take the time to follow the above steps. It’s important to write down the name of the person, the action you plan to perform, and the results. It makes the whole experience so much more concrete. Instead of a vague feeling of having done something nice, you’ll have a record of exactly what you did to show your love and how it made everyone feel.