Thursday, February 17, 2011

How to Know if You're in Love or Not

Jason from Utah asks...
How can I know if I’m in love? I know I really like a girl, and I’m feeling like I should know if I love her or not, but I’m not sure.
With all the poems, songs, stories, books, movies, and legends about love, you may wonder if you're really in love if you haven't had to risk your life, or give up your rank in society, or humiliate yourself by singing in front of the entire senior class to win the object of your affection.

Love comes in many different shapes and forms. Two people may love each other when they’re first married, and they may love each other after being married 50 years, but are their feelings for each other the same? I sure hope not. After 50 years of raising a family, overcoming struggles, and learning about each other, it seems like a joke that we use the same word to describe their feelings in both situations.

So, there are varying degrees of different kinds of love, but is there some threshold where a man will pass from “like” to “love”? There may be one, but unfortunately, it will be unique to each individual and I can’t draw a line where it’s love if you climb to the peak of a mountain to get her a rare flower that only blossoms one day every ten years, but it’s only “like” if you stop by Home Depot and buy her a fern.

I like feelings and all, but I also have an analytical mind, so I'll respond to your question somewhere between, "love is just a part of the reward center of the brain that lights up in an MRI when you are either addicted to a person, or cocaine" and "love is like sliding down an eternal rainbow of sunshine with all your friends and a basket of s'mores".

These questions will help you define what kind of love you're thinking of and then decide if you  are...ummm....in it? or not.

What will be the result of being in love?
If you’re in love, does that mean getting married, not breaking up, buying a dog together, or just saying “I love you” before you hang up the phone?

What are the feelings that would warrant the results?

Do you currently have those feelings?
If the answer is yes, you’re in love. If the answer is no, you can take steps to develop those feelings, or make your definition of love a little less strict.

Example 1
Mike's girlfriend has just dropped the "L Bomb" and he wants to be able to reciprocate, but isn't sure if what he feels is love.

What are the results?
If he is in love, he will tell his girlfriend that he loves her and their relationship will become stronger and most likely more committed.

What feelings would warrant the results?
Mike believes that to enter into more commitment with this girl he should enjoy being with her, want to make her happy, be attracted to her, be able to confide in her, and feel like they could potentially have a happy future together.

Are the feelings there?
Yes. He's in love.

Example 2
Six months later, jewelry stores are starting to catch Mike's eye. He's thinking about buying a ring and popping the question. He knows he loves her, but he really wants to know if he is IN LOVE with her.

What are the results?
Marriage. Commitment. Till death do them part. Sickness and Health. Taking care of her financially and emotionally.

What feelings would warrant the results?
Mike thinks that to make that kind of commitment, he needs to want nothing more than to protect her and be kind to her and he must anticipate enjoying spending the rest of his life with her. He shouldn't be able to imagine his life without her.

Are the feelings there?
Yes. He's in love.

Don't assume everyone has the same definition of love. If you decide you are in love, and you let her know, don't just say you love her. Tell her what loving her means to you. 

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