Ten Minute Fix: Honey, I'm Home

The basis of this Ten Minute Fix is an article written at Utah State University entitled, Honey, I’m home: Strengthening Your Marriage Ten Minutes at a Time. Here’s a link if you want to check it out.
The idea is that the fist ten minutes you spend with your spouse sets the tone for the rest of the day. Not only is this true, but I believe it can apply to children, coworkers, and other situations as well. The article puts forward a hypothetical situation that many people can relate to. A husband/ father returning from a stressful day at work and a wife/mother still dealing with a stressful day at home. They go on to show a productive way to spend the first ten minutes.

Instead of the husband asking why the house is such a mess and the wife responding by asking him if it would kill him to help out every once in a while, they talk about their days and ask how they can help each other.

So, in the first ten minutes, don’t discuss problems, criticize, act distant, or talk business. Instead, talk about each other’s days, relate funny stories, give a backrub, help out with the housework, or whatever else you and your spouse enjoy.

Not only does the first ten minutes set the tone for the day, but after time you’ll begin to look forward to being reunited everyday rather than being afraid of what new problem you’ll encounter. There will still be disagreements and challenges, but at least those first ten minutes you can show love to your spouse and remind yourselves that you’re on the same team and will face the challenges together.

Here is some advice from the article…

1. Prepare yourself mentally. When anticipating seeing your spouse after an absence, mentally prepare to give your spouse and family the best of yourself. There are likely problems and challenges that need to be discussed, but the problems and challenges will still be there later. During the first ten minutes, focus on having a positive initial greeting (i.e., starting off on the right foot) with your spouse. Later as a team, you will be able to address any problems and challenges more constructively because the negative emotions of the day will be decreased and the positive emotions of being together will be increased. Think of specific things you can say and/or do that will help make those first minutes a positive experience.

2. Understand the power in a smile (Gladstone & Parker, 2002). Smiling in and of itself can have a powerful impact on others’ reactions (Mackey, 1976) and their desires to connect with you (Guénguen, 2008). Even though the house may be a mess, you are exhausted from running after the children, and dinner isn’t ready yet, prepare to give a glowing smile to your partner. Your spouse will be better able to put aside his or her own stresses and focus on a positive connection with you. And you just might find that you feel better and can see the humor in the situation if you smile (even when you don’t exactly feel like it)!

3. Focus on the needs of your spouse first. Genuine interest in your spouse’s daily stresses will foster greater love and emotional connection (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Attempt to put aside your own issues for the moment and focus on reconnecting with your spouse, asking about his or her day, listening and responding positively. If both partners willingly commit to do this for their spouse, everyone will end up a winner!

4. Be prepared to help your spouse. Inevitably there will be times when your spouse is not prepared to optimistically greet you because of emotions associated with their specific life challenges. It can be easy to get angry, pull away, or become critical, but these are actually the best times to build trust and strengthen your relationship. You can do this by helping your spouse calm the overwhelming emotions (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Although you cannot fix all the struggles or change the negative emotions your partner may be experiencing (nor would your spouse probably want you to), you can provide key support by listening, empathizing and letting your spouse know you are on their side (Gottman & Silver). The daily struggles of life are rarely pleasant, but they can provide opportunities to develop patterns of turning towards each other, supporting each other (Voydanoff, 2005), and building trust and reliance in the relationship.