Ten Minute Fix: Honey, I'm Home

The basis of this Ten Minute Fix is an article written at Utah State University entitled, Honey, I’m home: Strengthening Your Marriage Ten Minutes at a Time. Here’s a link if you want to check it out.
The idea is that the fist ten minutes you spend with your spouse sets the tone for the rest of the day. Not only is this true, but I believe it can apply to children, coworkers, and other situations as well. The article puts forward a hypothetical situation that many people can relate to. A husband/ father returning from a stressful day at work and a wife/mother still dealing with a stressful day at home. They go on to show a productive way to spend the first ten minutes.

Instead of the husband asking why the house is such a mess and the wife responding by asking him if it would kill him to help out every once in a while, they talk about their days and ask how they can help each other.

So, in the first ten minutes, don’t discuss problems, criticize, act distant, or talk business. Instead, talk about each other’s days, relate funny stories, give a backrub, help out with the housework, or whatever else you and your spouse enjoy.

Not only does the first ten minutes set the tone for the day, but after time you’ll begin to look forward to being reunited everyday rather than being afraid of what new problem you’ll encounter. There will still be disagreements and challenges, but at least those first ten minutes you can show love to your spouse and remind yourselves that you’re on the same team and will face the challenges together.

Here is some advice from the article…

1. Prepare yourself mentally. When anticipating seeing your spouse after an absence, mentally prepare to give your spouse and family the best of yourself. There are likely problems and challenges that need to be discussed, but the problems and challenges will still be there later. During the first ten minutes, focus on having a positive initial greeting (i.e., starting off on the right foot) with your spouse. Later as a team, you will be able to address any problems and challenges more constructively because the negative emotions of the day will be decreased and the positive emotions of being together will be increased. Think of specific things you can say and/or do that will help make those first minutes a positive experience.

2. Understand the power in a smile (Gladstone & Parker, 2002). Smiling in and of itself can have a powerful impact on others’ reactions (Mackey, 1976) and their desires to connect with you (Guénguen, 2008). Even though the house may be a mess, you are exhausted from running after the children, and dinner isn’t ready yet, prepare to give a glowing smile to your partner. Your spouse will be better able to put aside his or her own stresses and focus on a positive connection with you. And you just might find that you feel better and can see the humor in the situation if you smile (even when you don’t exactly feel like it)!

3. Focus on the needs of your spouse first. Genuine interest in your spouse’s daily stresses will foster greater love and emotional connection (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Attempt to put aside your own issues for the moment and focus on reconnecting with your spouse, asking about his or her day, listening and responding positively. If both partners willingly commit to do this for their spouse, everyone will end up a winner!

4. Be prepared to help your spouse. Inevitably there will be times when your spouse is not prepared to optimistically greet you because of emotions associated with their specific life challenges. It can be easy to get angry, pull away, or become critical, but these are actually the best times to build trust and strengthen your relationship. You can do this by helping your spouse calm the overwhelming emotions (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Although you cannot fix all the struggles or change the negative emotions your partner may be experiencing (nor would your spouse probably want you to), you can provide key support by listening, empathizing and letting your spouse know you are on their side (Gottman & Silver). The daily struggles of life are rarely pleasant, but they can provide opportunities to develop patterns of turning towards each other, supporting each other (Voydanoff, 2005), and building trust and reliance in the relationship.

Ten Minute Fix: Take Joy in the Little Things

Our days contain hundreds, maybe thousands, of small simple things that have the power to make us happy. Unfortunately, these simple things are so small and so common that they are easily overlooked, ignored or forgotten. Let’s give them power again. Let’s allow the simple gift of daily living to bring us joy and enrich every aspect of our lives.

To make it happen, we need to recognize, enjoy, and remember the blessings we take for granted. Here are a few recommendations.

1. Be aware. Every once in a while, stop and look around you. What is going right in your current circumstance? What is making your life easier? What are you grateful for? Is there any beauty or inspiration you typically overlook?

2. When you recognize one of these simple joys, take a moment to appreciate it and think about how it makes you feel.

3. Write down everything you recognize and maybe some notes about why it makes you happy.

4. At the end of the day. Quickly review your list.

Here’s what I have so far for my list today…

- My wife sleeping peacefully as I get ready for work. I know that in a few minutes a screaming baby is going to disturb her rest and she’ll be changing diapers, wiping a snotty nose, washing spit up out of her hair, and just trying to maintain order all day, but for now she gets to rest, and that makes me happy.

- A serving size of ham is 10 slices. I typically eat double the serving size of whatever I’m eating. Do they really expect me to eat half a cookie? Come on! So I was really pleased to discover that while I normally put 5-6 slices of my deli ham on a sandwich, the serving size is 10. (I went ahead and put 10 slices on today. I can’t wait till lunch. Yum.)

- Heavy rain. I looked up and let it fall on my face for a few seconds and splash off my glasses. I enjoyed the feeling and the sound. It helped put things into perspective. It’s raining because it’s raining. The rain doesn’t care if the Democrats or Republicans are in power. It doesn’t care if we’ve built structures to protect us from it. It doesn’t care if I’ve just had my car washed. It reminds me that there’s a bigger world out there than the small bubble I’ve created for myself.

- The speed of the internet. I was curious to know how old Willie Nelson is. It took me less than 15 seconds to find out. Wow.

Your list doesn’t need to be this detailed. You just need enough information so that you can recall the feelings you had at the end of the day.

So what if things go wrong at work, allergies make me feel like a zombie, my car doesn’t start, and I miss Seinfeld? A serving size of ham is 10 slices and I choose to give that fact more power to make me happy than the power misfortunes have to make me sad.

The Pomodoro Technique

www.pomodorotechnique.com

I'm a big believer in the ten minute fix. It doesn't have to take long to do many of the things we need to do. I do realize; however, that not EVERYTHING can be done in just ten minutes. For example, I would like to write a book one day, but I can't do it in ten minutes. I can't even write this blog in just ten minutes. When you need to spend several productive hours on a project, the Pomodoro Technique may be able to help.

What is the Pomodoro Technique?
It's a system for time management developed by a man named, Francesco Cirillo. It divides your work day into 25 minutes of focused work followed by a 5 minute break. This 30 minutes is called a Pomodoro. After four consecutive Pomodoros, you get a 15-30 minute break. At the center of this system is a timer. The first timer used by Francesco Cirillo was shaped like a tomato, hince the name Pomodoro (tomato in Italian).

What are the benefits?
One of the most appealing claims to me is that it reduces stress and results in more productive work. In his book outlining the technique Francesco tells us the following...

The passage of time is no longer perceived as negative, but positive. Every Pomodoro
represents the opportunity to improve, or in crisis situations, to rapidly reorganize. The more time passes, the better chance you have to improve your process. The more time passes, the more easily activities can be estimated and scheduled. The more time passes, the more the feeling of anxiety is assuaged, and in its place come enhanced consciousness, sharper focus on the here and now, and a clearer mind in deciding your next move. The result is higher productivity.

In my opinion one of the greatest benefits could simply be improving focus. Sometimes I can get distracted while working because I feel like I've been doing it forever, even though only five minutes have passed since my last visit to Facebook.

Is it just dividing up time and taking breaks?
No, there's more to it than that. In his book, Francesco also discusses making lists, tracking productivity, dealing with distractions and interruptions, etc... If you want more information I suggest you read it. It's only 38 pages long and has some good examples on how to use the technique. Here's a link to a free PDF version.

Does it really work?
I don't know. That's why I'm trying it out. I figure I'll give it a month so I can get the hang of it and really give it a fair shot. I'm actually coming up on the end of my very first Pomodoro as I type this. I can tell you that I'm really excited and I believe it will greatly improve my productivity. If you have tried this technique, let me know what you think of it. I'll keep you updated and tell you if the technique gets the Vaughn Life Coaching Seal of Approval. How many Pomodoros would it take to make up a seal of approval?

Ten Minute Fix: Memo Board

Hey! My wife made a neat dry erase memo board that's really quick and easy to make. I decided to take ten minutes and make my own. I took some pictures to document it. For this project you need some paper, a picture frame, dry erase markers, maybe some scissors, and ten minutes. 

First I printed off a background for my memo board. I decided to make a task list so I can check things off throughout the day.

Then, I cut off some of the edges so it would be ready for the next step.

With my page the right size, I put it into this cheap dollar store frame.

Now it's ready for my tasks. I wrote down the most important ones with a dry erase marker.

When I'm done, it wipes right off with a paper towel or cloth of some kind.

If you like pretty things, you can get more creative too. This is the first one that my wife made. (Also pictured is my pathetic attempt at bubble letters)

Ten Minute Blog

Hey! Sorry I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been distracted by other things lately and I started feeling like writing a blog would be some daunting task that I’d never have time or energy to do. To break my non-blogging streak I decided I could dedicate ten minutes of my day to just get it done and get back in the swing of things. (Look at me taking my own advice  )

So, what’s been on my mind lately? Well, I have a great ten minute fix that I want to do, but I need to take some pictures first. I’ll have plenty of time next week, so I hope to get that done and do some hardcore daily blogging.

Yesterday it happened to me again. I was stressed out. I couldn’t focus and every little think that came up seemed insurmountable. The cause of my stress was having a lot to do, but no plan to do it. The best solution I’ve found for this type of stress is to sit down and get everything in my head down on paper. Then, if I make a plan of action for each item on the list I’ll feel much better. All those loose ends that have been flapping around in my head are now tied down and I can be a productive human being again.

I’m really grateful for all of you who read the VLC blog. I love to check my stats and see that new people are being introduced to it and reading several posts. It’s not a “look at how awesome and popular I am” feeling. Partly because if there was an Americans Against Social Networking page on Facebook it would have more fans than I do, but also because I want to be of some help or entertainment to the internet community. Your loyalty keeps me blogging when I otherwise wouldn’t. Keep up the good work. Leave a comment, submit a question, “Follow” the VLC blog, become a fan on Facebook, and tell your friends!