Do You Expect Me to be a Mind Reader?!

Do you communicate more effectively with your spouse than with a complete stranger? If you said yes, science says you’re wrong. New research that I read about in this article, explains something they call the “closeness-communication bias”. Basically, we assume that we think like people we are close to, and therefore, communicate with them better. That assumption, it turns out, actually makes us communicate worse.

First, the researchers did an experiment to see if people communicated with their spouse better than strangers. They used ambiguous, yet common, phrases to see if people understood their meaning better from their spouses or people they had never met. They found that spouses overestimated their ability to communicate effectively with each other. One of the researchers explained, “A wife who says to her husband, 'it's getting hot in here,' as a hint for her husband to turn up the air conditioning a notch, may be surprised when he interprets her statement as a coy, amorous advance instead.”

Next they did an experiment to test the closeness bias…

"In order to test that idea, a team at Keysar's lab set up an experiment in which two students would sit across from each other, separated by a box with square compartments that contained objects. Some of the objects were not visible to one of the students. That student, the speaker, would ask the partner to move one of the objects -- but the speaker did not know that the request could be interpreted in two different ways. For example, if the speaker asked the partner to move a mouse, the partner would have two options: a computer mouse that the speaker could see, or a stuffed mouse that the speaker could not see.

The study found that when partners were asked to move an object with an ambiguous name, they would hesitate longer when the speaker was a friend. But when the speaker was a stranger, the partner would be faster to focus on the object that the speaker could see, and ignore the object that the speaker did not know about. This showed that the participants were more likely to take an egocentric position when working with a friend, neglecting to consider the possibility that the friend didn't share the same information they had."

I think it’s true that when we spend a lot of time with someone we think they know everything we know. Maybe I find it so hard to tell my wife how my day was because I assume I have given her bits and pieces of what I do in a typical day over the years and that by now she must have a pieced everything together into a clear picture of my work life. Since she, of course, already knows exactly what a typical day is like for me, “fine” should be more than enough information for her.

"The understanding, 'What I know is different from what you know' is essential for effective communication to occur," Savitsky said. "It is necessary for giving directions, for teaching a class or just for having an ordinary conversation. But that insight can be elusive when the 'you' in question is a close friend or spouse."

So, what do you do next time you find yourself face to face with a frustrated spouse who has exclaimed, “Do you expect me to be a mind reader?!” Try talking to them less like they’re your spouse, and more like they’re a stranger. A stranger that you happen to also love and what to spend all of eternity with of course. :)

Interview With Cecilia: Week 3

My Life continues with an interview from Cecilia's third week of coaching...

Coach Vaughn: What is a difficult goal that you have set for yourself and accomplished?

Cecilia: For the past 15 months or so, many of my goals have revolved around debt elimination. When all of the hard work Nathan and I had done eventually resulted in us paying off our car and our large credit card bill, I was elated. Accomplishing that goal was an a amazing experience.

Coach Vaughn: What's a goal you're working on right now?

Cecilia: I think currently I have two goals. The ongoing goal of debt elimination is still present (and we are so close!) as well as the goal to be a more attentive wife and mother. I don’t want my first goal to consume my thoughts and actions. I don’t need to work ALL of the time. Eliza and Nathan deserve my attention more than any job, and I should make sure to have my priorities straight when it comes to work and family.

Coach Vaughn: Who is someone who has greatly influenced your life?

Cecilia: My sister has been a great influence in my life, especially over the last few years. She has been an amazing example of unconditional love and has been supportive throughout all of my trials. She is not only a wonderful sister, but a wonderful friend.

Coach Vaughn: If you could choose a theme or this week, what would it be?

Cecilia: My theme for this week would be: “Be patient.” Tomorrow, I leave for South Carolina with Eliza. Alone. We’re going to visit family, and unfortunately, Nathan cannot come. This will be the first time Eliza will be away from Nathan for more than a few hours, and I can already feel myself mentally and emotionally freaking out. I’m sure she is going to be a handful on our two plane rides, and I just hope I have the patience to handle the tantrums of a 19 month old alone. So, my mantra for the next few days will definitely be: “Patience, patience!”

Ten Minute Fix: Weight Loss

Weight loss isn’t a glamorous activity. It involves planning, discipline, and a little bit of misery (courtesy of our good friends Diet and Exercise). So, why not add a touch of glamour, ceremony, and fanfare to an otherwise mundane and miserable task?

Have you seen The Biggest Loser? It’s a two hour show, and it seems like half of it is the contestants weighing in. They step on this giant scale and it flashes random numbers, building suspense, while dramatic music plays, until it finally reveals their weight loss for the week along with everyone’s reactions to that weight loss. Never before has losing five pounds been so exciting!

In just ten minutes you can take the first step towards a new physique, a healthier lifestyle, and increased energy. Here are some suggestions…

1. Weigh in. Get your starting weight so you can track your progress in the coming weeks.

2. Measure your waist so you can have an objective measure of not just how much weight you’re losing, but also how skinny you’re getting!

3. Set Goals. How many pounds/inches/dress sizes do you want to lose? When will your final weigh in be? Grab that pair of jeans you want to fit and hang them up on the wall as a reminder.

4. Decide how you want to track your progress. Here are some ideas.

• Try making a paper chain of all the pounds you want to lose and pull them off as you go.
• Put $5 in a jar for every lost pound and then use the money for new clothes that actually fit your hot new bod.
• Get a big bucket and add a pound of lard for every pound of fat you lose (maybe that one’s too gross).

5. Plan the weekly weigh in ceremony. When will it be? Who will be in attendance? What music will you play? What will you wear?

There are a million exercise programs and diets out there. The funny thing is that they all work, as long as you stick to them. This ten minute fix will help out with the “sticking to it” part.

Interview With Cecilia: Week 2

My Life continues with an Interview from Cecilia's second week of coaching...


Coach Vaughn: How was it not working from home last week?  

Cecilia: Not working from home last week was amazing. It helped me keep the feelings of anxiety and stress separate from my home life. I enjoyed leaving work at work and having my home be a place for family time.

 
Coach Vaughn: Which of your strengths has best served you the past few years?   

Cecilia: I would say my biggest strength has been positivity. I have always had the ability to remain optimistic, even in the most depressing of circumstances. Over the last few months, though, I have felt this feeling, which has been such a large part of my identity for so many years, begin to fade. I am doing my best to preserve this strength and maintain my positive attitude.

Coach Vaughn: What are you looking forward to?  

Cecilia: I am looking forward to August. In August, Nathan will be done with his undergraduate schooling, and we will move to Portland. This also means I will be able to quit my job! I’m excited to finally be a full-time mom.

Coach Vaughn: Earlier we talked about setting goals that are Specific, Measurable, Appealing, Realistic, and Timed. What's a goal that you would like to set and accomplish this week?

Cecilia: I would like to do find a way to show Nathan how much I appreciate him and all that he does. If I could do four thoughtful things for him, I think it’d make me (and him) feel great!

Ten Minute Fix: Out of Your Mind

Sure, you're brain is an amazing thing. It produces an average of 70,000 thoughts a day. In one day, one human brain produces more electrical impulses than all the telephones in the world. That's pretty cool, but don't you think you should give your brain a break every once in a while?

I find myself filling my brain with things I need to do. "I should buy milk, fix that shelf, apply for a job, call my parents, clean out the car, pay the gas bill, plead guilty in that court case, fire my attorney, exercise more, and get season 3 of Seinfeld."

Every time an "I should" phrase pops into your head, it sticks around, even if you don't remember it. When enough of these "I should" statements pile up, you're stuck with STRESS.

So, get all these thoughts out of your mind and onto some paper. Take ten minutes and...

1.  Write down everything you need to do, should do, and will do.

2.  Now keep that paper close to you and well guarded because the next step is to...

3.  Forget it. Forget all of it! Your brain is now free to tie up all those loose ends, because the information is stored securely offline where it can access the information when it needs it.

This is especially helpful for those times when you can't sleep because your mind is racing about all the things you need to do. Sure, you have a test tomorrow, but you're too tired to study and sleep is all you really need right now. So, instead of tossing and turning or burning the midnight oil, just get up and write down your plan. You'll wake up an hour early, skip the shower, and go straight to the library for your last minute cram session. Now your brain knows that there's a plan in place and it can forget about it and worry about those other 69,999 thoughts it had that day.

Ten Minute Fix: Plant Some "Flowers"

I either heard or read a talk about 8 years ago that I’ve since thought about several times. I can’t remember who the speaker was and I can’t find a copy of it online, so if anyone out there has an idea, be sure to let me know.

Anyway, in the talk he (I’m pretty sure it was a “he”) was talking about repentance. He compared repentance to gardening and that it’s more than just pulling weeds. Sure, a big part of repentance is putting an end to bad behavior, but that can’t be all. That’s like going to a dead flower bed and pulling all the weeds only to be left with a patch of dirt. You have to plant flowers! So, what I took from it is that you can’t just stop bad behavior. You have to replace it with good behavior.

I apply this to more than just repenting of sin in a religious context. For example, if you are trying to break a smoking habit, replace it with an exercising habit. If you find yourself always snacking on junk food, replace the junk food with healthy food. If you are currently watching Desperate Housewives or any other show on television, replace it with Seinfeld. If you’re rude or short tempered with your wife, don’t just stop being rude, be extra nice and loving. Take her out on a fun date, give her a foot massage, and just let her know how much you love her.

Take ten minutes to do the following activity.

1. Divide a sheet of paper into two columns

2. Label one column Weeds and the other column Flowers

3. In the weeds column, list your bad habits, behaviors, thoughts, etc…

4. In the flowers column, list good habits, behaviors, thoughts, etc… that can replace the bad ones.

5. Set some goals to get that flower bed into shape!

Cecilia's Top Five Values

1) Family

Family is what I value most. I'm grateful for the love and support Nathan and Eliza provide. I would like to openly express my appreciation for my family more often.

2) Patience

Nathan is one of the most patient people I know. I would like to work on developing this trait, as I value it so highly. If I had more patience, I know I would be much happier at work and at home.

3) Communication

I know all relationships improve with good communication skills, whether it be a marital relationship, friendship, or even work relationship (as in your relationship with your employers/boss). I would like to be more verbal and express my opinions more often. Although this seems overwhelming sometimes, I know only good can come from honest communication.

4) Understanding / Listening

I always appreciate it when Nathan and/or my friend listen to my problems and do their best to understand my situation and where I am coming from. I would like to become the person who listens and empathizes, rather than the person who always has something to talk about. I know this would only deepen my respect and love for those who have supported and listened to me.

5) Love

I definitely value love. Sadly enough, I think of myself as less loving these days. Love is a strong, positive emotion of affection. And while I still need this in my life, I have been less giving of love. I would like to work on becoming a more positive person again in order to be capable of giving and receiving love to the fullest capacity.